Well-behaved but Misguided?
The author, Ted Tripp, builds his approach to parenting on ideas found in the Bible, particularly Proverbs 4:23, which says: “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.” Here’s an excerpt from the book:
…. Behavior is not the basic issue. The basic issue is always what is going on in the heart. Remember, the heart is the control center of life. [But] parents often get sidetracked with behavior … The thing that alerts you to your child’s need for correction is his behavior. Behavior irritates and thus calls attention to itself. Behavior becomes your focus … The problem is this: You child’s needs are far more profound than his aberrant behavior. Remember, his behavior does not just spring forth uncaused. His behavior – the things he says and does – reflects his heart. If you are to really help him, you must be concerned with the attitudes of heart that drive his behavior.
What has been a mental adjustment for me has been to move away from correcting my son’s behavior simply for the sake of having him be well-behaved. Does he need to be? Absolutely. But Tripp’s point is that the parenting shouldn’t end there.
All behavior is linked to some attitude of the heart. Therefore, discipline must address attitudes of the heart. This understanding does marvelous things for discipline. It makes the heart the issue, not just the behavior. It focuses correction on deeper things than changed behavior. The point of confrontation is what is occurring in the heart.
This approach has really changed the way when I interact with him about something he’s done. Ultimately I have to get to the why something he has done is inappropriate, and what that indicates about stuff going on inside. For example, I used to do the classic fatherly admonition “Don’t talk back to your mother.” Appropriate if he’s mouthy, but leaving it there isn’t getting to the, er, heart of the matter. I need to take it to the next level: “Your words to mom are disrespectful and dishonoring.”
That leads into a discussion about what the Bible has to say about honoring parents, the promises God makes to those who do, and the warnings he gives to those who don’t. We ultimately arrive at the need for my son to seek both God’s forgiveness for his dishonoring attitude, and mom’s forgiveness for his dishonoring actions.
It’s more work, to be sure, but I can already see how it helps my son evaluate his own behavior. There are times now when he even spontaneously seeks forgiveness when he sees that he has done something wrong to someone…. and that’s a big deal for a 4-year old.
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